Taurus

Don’t get discouraged by lack of opportunities to fully express yourself this week. Nobody really wanted to see you sing and dance, whilst in the middle of an explosive diarrhoea episode, you know?

Gemini

It’s a good week to break out of your comfort zone. Crash Sonam Kapoor’s wedding and give a solo performance of Jacqueline Fernandez’s hit single “GF-BF”

Cancer

This is a good week to let go of old connections and build new ones. Start with Tiger Shroff, who you’ve kidnapped and tied up in your garage. You two didn’t have a good start.

Leo

Everyone told you to look at the big picture whenever you’re sad, but future You has seen the big picture and it still doesn’t look good for you.

Virgo

Getting people’s attention this week will prove especially easy for you. You’ll just wish it wasn’t for telling people that you like kicking babies and puppies for fun.

Libra

Despite all your research and endless discussions with experts, you will not find a person who loves you for your love of Truth or Dare Jenga tiles this week.

Scorpio

Eyewitnesses will claim that a person in a red hoodie tried to steal some hair off of Vicky Kaushal’s head to make a clone, but you were actually wearing an orange hoodie that day.

Sagittarius

Saturn rising in your sign this week will affect your love life adversely. This is a good lie to tell yourself when you lie alone in your bed every night crying about never finding love.

Capricorn

You will make a lot of people happy this week by being the main reason they win a lot of money after betting that you’re, in fact, the single most annoying presence on the Earth at the moment.

Aquarius

One big thing will happen to you this week and it will define the way the rest of your prison sentence (and life) goes.

Pisces

People are pretty much over the whole vampire thing now. You drank all that kitten blood for nothing, friend. Maybe try BDSM the next time?

Aries

Don’t think about what other people are saying about you. You won’t really get it, anyway.