Scorpio

You’ll be forced to take a walk down the memory lane, when you come across an old shoe and a half-empty jar of night cream.

Sagittarius

You’ll face a mild financial setback, after the parents of the kid you’ve kidnapped call the police instead of paying the ransom like they promised.

Capricorn

When times are tough, remind yourself that things could go worse, and that humanity is doomed to perish within a few years so nothing really matters.

Aquarius

True love will enter your life this week and ask you if you’re satisfied with your current Internet plan and if you’d like to transfer to a better one.

Pisces

This is the week you’ll find out why your parents call you ‘the accident’.

Aries

There are two kinds of people in the world. One, who believe aliens exist IRL, and others who nobody likes.

Taurus

The placement of Mercury and Venus in your sign indicate a chance at new beginnings for you. But only after you get over this nasty bout of explosive diarrhoea.

Gemini

You’ll soon realize that there are somethings that money can’t buy. For instance, pigeon blood.

Cancer

You still won’t be able to convince your family that the scales on your back and the fact that you essentially breathe fire might mean that you’re an X-Men.

Leo

The stars really wanted to read your horoscope this week, but they got too busy with the Lux Golden Rose Awards.

Virgo

Selling your soul to the demon will only help you out once. You have to think big.

Libra

Don’t make any hasty assumptions about the new people you meet this week. Wait at least 15 seconds before laughing at them.