It’s a truth universally acknowledged that Aamir Khan is a perfectionist. He’s so perfect; he’s the one who invented the term ‘perfectionist’. This perfect person’s perfect movie Thugs of Hindostan is releasing this Diwali and he has surprisingly agreed to give an interview (at his residence, no less) to this perfectly legit Bollywood website.

Excerpts from the interview –

Rayon: Hey Aamir, the trailer of Thugs of Hindostan –

Aamir: (Interrupts) Was great, I know. Ask me something new, something challenging.

Rayon: Okay… why did the lead actresses have no dialogues in the trailer?

Aamir: Because they don’t have any in the film. I won’t add dialogues just for the sake of the trailer will I?

At this point, Aamir started laughing uproariously and gave his manager an air five. The manager couldn’t return it because he was tied to a chair with his mouth gagged. We would have made this a bigger deal, but sources have told us this is a normal occurrence in every superstar’s house.

Rayon: So… what is Fatima Sana Shaikh doing? 

Aamir: She plays a skilled archer. She’s makes for great scenery when Mr. Bachchan and I are acting.

 

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A post shared by Fatima Sana Shaikh (@fatimasanashaikh) on Oct 27, 2018 at 5:32am PDT

Rayon: Why doesn’t she have dialogues in the film then? WAIT! Is this because her character is unable to speak?

Aamir: No, her character can. But I don’t see the purpose of letting her speak. She needs to concentrate on the archery you know? Like Eklavya, that dude was good at his job because he didn’t add much value to the main plot of the Mahabharata. He just concentrated on his skill and then cut off this thumb. Fatima’s character is just like that.

Rayon: Right, what about Katrina’s role?

Aamir: I don’t want to speak about Katrina.

Rayon: But she looks fantastic! Especially her nose ring…

Aamir: Oh! HER nose ring is it?

At this point, Aamir suddenly got up from his couch and started pacing around his living room. His manager had fallen asleep (or passed out) by this time.

Rayon: Is there a problem?

Aamir: A big one! Don’t you see? All I’m hearing about TOH is that Katrina’s nose ring is hot. What about mine? What about the pain I went through to get my nose pierced? Why is that not the topic of discussion?

 

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A post shared by Katrina Kaif (@katrinakaif) on Sep 29, 2018 at 6:40am PDT

Rayon: Sure we could do that too… it’s cool that both you and Katrina have gotten your nose pierced.

Aamir: (Laughs) You’re not getting it are you? Katrina is doing this on purpose. It all started in 2007, when Salman and Shah Rukh fought at her birthday party. A fight I tried to end FYI. Since then, Katrina can’t stop herself. She HAS to be involved.

Now that we’re all friends again (smirks) she always butts in whenever Salman, SRK and I make a plan to hang. She just snatches Salman’s phone or sneakily takes SRK’s phone (she’s doing a movie with both of them, jeez) and adds herself to the KKK WhatsApp group we all have. Does she not know that a fourth K will ruin what KKK stands for? Ugh!

Rayon: You mentioned how SRK and Salman are doing movies with her, but so are you…

Aamir: Exactly! That’s the plan! I’m going to ruin her this time. She stole my thunder in Dhoom 3! People completely forgot about the hard work I put in to badly imitate both Christian Bale and Hugh Jackman.

That’s why I signed her for Thugs of Hindostan, to show the world that I can rock a nose ring better than her. Not just that, I also want to show that I’m the better dancer, so this movie is going to have an upgraded version of the Dance of Envy. You know that random piece of music from that random movie even YRF doesn’t like to acknowledge.  Watch out for me in that one! Lolo very generously gave me her outfit.

Rayon: Wow.

Aamir: (Smiling) TOH is actually just a very elaborate dance off between Katrina and me. The audience will get to decide the winner through a live voting system in the theaters, quite the immersive experience. Never been done before.

By this time, we would like to report that Aamir had started sticking pins into the Katrina Kaif Barbie doll. Before things got too dark, we left.