Aries

Make sure you wash your hands before you eat your food today. This isn’t a prediction, just good hygiene, you slob.

Taurus

This is a good week to invest in real estate, so don’t hesitate before going all in. Also, your explosive diarrhea is back and is more explosive than ever.

Gemini

Use your creativity to get out of sticky situations you find yourself into because of your obsession with Abhishek Bachchan’s Drona.

Cancer

It’s never too late to apologise, is a good reply to Justin Bieber, even if it might be a little too late.

Leo

You may experience financial loss if you don’t stop beating your boss in online Jenga and in real life.

Virgo

The stars advise you to not let friends guilt you into doing something you don’t want to do. But you don’t have to worry about that because you have no friends.

Libra

Keep your feet on the ground, unless you want your colleagues to arrange another exorcism in the middle of a workday.

Scorpio

Joining a government run organisation will be beneficial for your love life. Plus ‘we met in jail’ is a cute story to tell your grandkids.

Sagittarius

If you let it go and it returns to you, it’s actually really clingy and you’re probably better off without it.

Capricorn

Seize the day. You might never get another chance to pursue your dream of the only person to actually have seen all of Amisha Patel’s movies in a day.

Aquarius

Don’t trust everything Deepika Padukone says. For instance, you don’t need to ask Shahid Kapoor for permission the next time you want to jump in a fiery pit.

Pisces

Sharing your talent with the rest of the world may seem daunting, but will prove to be the best thing for those who want to endlessly mock you forever.